I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
