I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
