the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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