Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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