Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
