dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize