Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
