They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Randomize
