Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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