I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize