just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
