So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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