I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
