I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
