??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
