Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
