I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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