you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
