Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
