You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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