So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
