So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
