Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
