You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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