My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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