I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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