it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
