I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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