Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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