I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
