Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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