I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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