Someone shit on the floor
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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