Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
