Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
