well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize