yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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