apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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