i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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