I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize