yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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