Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
and she was petting her beer can
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
