it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
