apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
