My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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