If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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