considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
