If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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