she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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