the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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