I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
