Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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