he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
