i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I deserve this hangover.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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