I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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