I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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