How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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