Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
