I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
